5 Ways To Turn a Witch

 

We live in an age where the world seems to be torn apart by religious and spiritual factors. Over one side you had Christians burning people alive and on the other side you have Muslims chopping off peoples head. But in the midst of all the religious hocus pocus you have some real hocus pocus going on. There are many groups emerging now who are relating to something different, something they think is intriguing and cool, something not for the Muslim nor christian, some thing dark and devious, something for Satan! I am talking about the dangerous, the deadly, the wart loving witchcraft. Lets get to the real scary part. DISCLAIMER: If you are a scared cat and whimper and wine at the simplest gore and get upset by the vilest things, i urge you to not go any further in this witch turning article, instead, pour out some cereals in your Flintstones bowl and go watch the kardashians!
With that said, lets go turn some innocent wives and daughters into evil witches. ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaa (Evil Laugh) Lets go through the steps.

1. Get An Old Dusty Broom

Before they were witches, there were house maids. Legend has it that back in the 18^th century in Europe, house maids were disgruntled because of the salary they were receiving. They lead protest across Europe with their union representative. Each house maid walked with the broom in hand, the broom they used to sweep their masters home with for many years in their patched out old clothes. They demanded better wages and many had stopped cleaning. Some high ranking community members were furious and devised a sinister plot to get rid of the old hags and replaced them with freshly squeezed maids. They had a alchemist made a concussion which created fire when exposed to the sunlight. They sprinkled it on all brooms when the maids slept. When the maids got up and held on to what they loved the most, once the sunlight hit the broom it would burst into large fire, the maids loved the brooms so that non let go and screamed and ran and jumped off a cliff into a river to quench the fire. It is said that they actually flew off the cliffs on their brooms. Many maids went over into the river they now call witches flow. But little did the villagers know that the river had a very dark secret, It held a portal to hell and Lucifer himself held his arms out and saved the burning witches and their brooms. He gave them magic and they pledged allegiance to him for all eternity. He gave them the power of the broom to fly. From ever since, if anyone wished to become a witch, they must possess a broom and learn the dark "broom fly spell" Once this is mastered , then they will move to step two.

2. Get A Pointy Black Hat and Witch Clothes

You cannot claim "witchdom" without fixing up your closet. You will need to adapt to the trendy witch wear (note that you may not see the line of witch fashion in popular clothe stores) You will fisrt need a long dark witch frock, one that covers neck arms and legs. Then you will need old witchy pointy shoes and last but not least, you must fit on your head the tiara of witching which is the witches pointy hat. No witch is complete without the full witch wear fashion line. If you see another claiming to be a witch and is not dress like one, she needs to loose her witching abilities. It is against the code of evil for evil witches to not dress appropriately.

3. Get Plastic Surgery, Have a Huge Wart Placed On Your Nose

If you were born with a huge beauty wart with three strands of hair sticking out of it you are certainly on your way to being a witch. If not you can have a operation done to correct your perfect beautiful nose into a witches nose. Have your plastic surgeon stretch your nose a bit and place a huge witch's wart to one side of it. After you have completed this, you will be in good grace with the witch factor. Remember, a ugly witch is a good witch and a good witch is a bad witch. Whichever witch you wish to be. (Did your tongue got twisted?) You need a wart.

4. Must Love Toad, Hair and Lizard Tongue Soap

So tell me, what kind of soup did your mom feed you when you were little and cute? Well i can assume that many people would say chicken soup. But to become a witch, you better know how to brew the good stew. Witches have no business in chicken meat, you better get a full dose of appetite change and adjust your stomach to some good toad soap, eye of newt, lizard tail and of course some delicious monkey paw. What more could a witch want, right? Grab old of that big old boiling barrel, hunt down the delicacies mentioned, pull bugs bunny out of his rabbit hole and confiscate his stored carrots. Chop up some witches root and throw in two cheesy sock and you are ready to go.

5. Ensure your skin is dry, Wrinkled And You Nails Is 1000 Years Old

If you want to become a witch, you have to ditch the lotion and skin cream and go desert mean. Let the Sahara scorch you for a while so the moister can be squeezed out of your flesh and allowing you to transform into your witchly ghastly self. Everyone knows that a witch with beautiful skin and tall dark hair isn't attractive. Get with the witch look and fit your self with some wrinkles. Once you have achieved this and all others above, you are just one step away from becoming a witch. And the last step is to perform the indoctrinate ritual.

In-doctrine Ritual

Now that you have acquired all the necessary objects to become a witch you need to recite the following:
Witches of the North please accept me
Witches of the South please let me see
With a wiggle wiggle and a jiggle jiggle
Grant me the power to be fiddle dibble

Come forth my dark prince, I ask of you
Bring a bag of donuts and some gum too
With a wapple papple and a jungy jee
Grant me the power to widdle wee
Witches of The East please accept me
Witches of the West Let it be
With a wabble dabble and a hickity haw
Grant me the power to tickity maw

Once you have recited the in-doctrine at least two times, stamp your right feet on the ground 6 times to awaken your master. If done right your feet will begin to hurt, if your feet doesn't start hurting you need to acquire a witches suite and start over. Now i have given you the knowledge on how to become a real witch. Go let your magic soar.