10 Gifts Santa Gives People He Hates

1. Polka Dot Scarfs

I barf at the scarf. Can you imagine getting all worked up at Christmas morning and nearly breaking your neck tumbling down a flight of stairs in anticipation for your Christmas gift which is a new rolls Royce you expect to see in the garage, but only to see your name on an elongated rectangular box. So you begin to think, OK, maybe i will get that rolls Royce next, this must be a baseball bat or something. You mind quickly jumps into sports as you are an avid fan of baseball. You begin to rip away the wrapping like an convict tunneling his way out of prison. You hurriedly open the box and.........SURPRISE!, Its a polka dot yellow scarf. Everyone begins to look at you with glee, and you are there standing and looking, standing and looking, and standing and looking some more. then you turn around and lie through you God damn teeth, "What a lovely scarf, thank you, this is what i always wanted" You excuse you self for a minute and go up the bedroom and stuff the scarf in that new rat hole you found...Gee, thanks Santa.

2. Sponge Bob Under where

Talking about crusty gifts. Does Santa play practical jokes on fathers at Christmas time. Does Santa knows that his jokes are not funny? While the kids are bursting with fun and happiness because Tim got the latest game cards and Joyan got your new dance step teens move set. You are upstairs fitting yellow girly looking underpants with a sponge bob facet at the center of your pointer! You now know Santa must have had you on the practical joke list as he is keeling over with one cookie in hand while his milk spills on his boots as he is rolling in laughter as those petite sponge bob underwear.

3. Cooking Knits

This as gone too far, enough is enough Santa Claus. You know you have been really bad the entire year when Santa sends you Mrs Clause old cooking Knits. You know those red and white fluffy ones with the milk and cookie picture on them. Santa, i did not tell you i was competing in iron chefs or i planned to open up my own nasty greasy fast food joint. I want a gift Santa, a real gift, a gift i can sit in and steer. Are you getting the picture now?

4. Nunchaku And Thowing Stars

Why on God's Earth does Santa see it fit to leave behind all wrapped and tucked in a box a pair of martial arts weapon, Nunchaku? Look around Santa, my home isn't "Enter the Dragon or Big trouble in Little China" And i can asure you that if i needed something to protect my self and family, my good friends Smith and Wesson are right there for me. Besides, the last time i acted like a kung fu fool i almost lost one of my testicles due to me bad handling that God darn nunchaku. I can give those wanna be ninja's some good advice, whenever you plan on doing some high class kung fu moves with those "chackus", you better cover up those sacks or you will be walking with a bowling ball in your pants a long time!

5. Expired Coupons

You think Santa was a good guy but i can tell you he is not! After opening up a box and see hundreds of coupons with up to 25 bucks off on items i was jumping for joy. Hey coupons are great way to shop! Then as i settled down and looked a little closer i noticed that the coupons are seven months old! God Dam it! Santa you make me so #$&^):-( mad! Folks, if Santa gives you a box filled with coupons this year, please take my stupid advice and dump them...they are expired. And if you do get expired coupons you must have been real naughty throughout the year!

6. Astronaut Suite

Who, why, what, when, how on earth does Santa have the elves doing these bad jokes to people? An Astronaut Suite? For crying out loud Santa, I think your gift jokes have gone too far. Not a nice suite i could wear to work, or a NBA or football jersey, but an astronaut Suite. This must be Santa's way of telling me i may be out of my mind or my head is simply filled with a lot of "space". Oh well, i think this will go well with my polka dot yellow scarf, don't you?

7. Cheap Chinaware

Everyone loves to have nice crockery at home. Some people actually collect many fine crockery and some are used on special occasions while some are not used at all, Some of these crockeries have many stories behind them. But what i hate on Christmas is to lift up my gift box and hear something rattling inside. This tricks me into thinking it is glass puzzle pieces. Upon opening the box you get the shock of your life. You see broken cheap china that looks like it was probably picked up in a used cup and saucer pawn shop, You would just hate to have Santa send you some cheap cheap china, broken at that.

8. Bars Of Graphite

I should know better than to anticipate getting what i really wanted for Christmas. I hinted on a nice diamond bracelet i saw in one of the countries top Diamond stores. it wasn't that expensive, it only cost a measly 15000 dollars, kinda cheap for a man of my caliber, don't you all think? Well, Santa must believe this it is Halloween and he is trick or treating, else he wouldn't have left this darn block of graphite as a gift with scientific instructions on how to turn lead into diamond. You think this is quite possible and you run down to the nearest chemical and nuclear facility to only come back with radiation with seems to be turning your skin color blue! Jeez! Having not getting that cheap diamond bracelet is one thing but packing a box of "potential diamond" is another. The jokes all on me Santa, thanks a lot.

9. Snow Boots

Snow boots
Lovey Snow boots
How much you love my feet
Snow boots
Lovey Snow Boots
Now i will be shoveling snow for all of the weeks

My snow boot poem maybe whacked, but you will appreciate it when you are out in the cold shoveling tonnes of snow away while everyone sits inside drinking warm chocolate with cherry cheeks and reciting Christmas carols. You getting that snow boot is a reminder that even though it is Christmas, there is no rest for the wicked, so get up and go shove some snow buddy!

10. Mother In Law Surprise

Things were going pretty well in your home, the family was opening gifts while you stood their looking at your block of graphite. Bacon and ham are smelling so lovely in the kitchen, Christmas carols are playing, your Christmas tree is gorgeous and that beautiful star on top really gives you that warm and happy feeling inside. Then you hear a knock at the front door. Surprise! It's the mother-in-law that you don't love.Screech! Everything just came to a sudden stop in your head. She pushes past you and her grand kids run to her and she hugs them, then the bickering begins. "Oh, my, what on earth happened did you do to this Christmas tree, its horrible! You know Christmas is for lovely not to do a massacre right," Then she continues speaking with your spouse, "You need to change the color of your house, it doesn't blend into the neighborhood....blah blah blah blah blah"...Your Christmas has just been ruined by the worst surprise gift of them all. You think of taking your mother in law to a visit to that same nuclear plant but you remember she still loves the kids and the kids still love her. Next time moms!

Guess I was Naughty!